Wednesday, September 8, 2010

perfect is a skinned knee.

i hate this room. it doesn't matter how clean or dirty it is.. what posters may be on the wall, what song may be playing on my playlist. i fucking hate it. it's my retreat to drown in my sympathies and wish to be left alone. i wish the door would never open and no one would ever bother me. it's sick as fuck and i shouldn't want to be alone. but all the people i want to see aren't in favor of me or don't have the means or interest to see me, i'm disconnected. i used to have something to look forward to every weekend. now the days all blur together and it seems like there's hardly any point to any of this anymore.

depression is familiarity to me, and familiarity is comfort.

the comfort is killing me.

Monday, September 6, 2010

let's not shit ourselves (to love and be loved)

oh, i'm so ridiculous. 

sometimes, i spend more time out of the day instead of living in the now, over analyzing what has already happened. picking apart every phrase, motion, and word. looking underneath every rock. waiting and waiting and waiting for it all to make sense. errr... well, to come into my favor. 

that's not how this works.

it's a hard realization when you finally come to terms with the fact that just because you earn it doesn't mean it's yours. just because you deserve it doesn't mean you get it. and most of all, just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there. 

i've got a lot to learn. both in myself, and in those around me. 

words really, truly cannot describe how thankful i am that some people exist. i don't know if half (or any) of them actually read this, but i really don't know where i would be without you all. i love each and every one of you. i think that in itself is more than i could ever, ever ask for. i was foolish to ask for more, and even more foolish when, upon not receiving it, taking what i had for granted and at times going so far as to doubt its existence in the first place. i'm the kind of guy that doesn't consider just an apology to suffice when it's truly, honestly meant. so you haven't seen the last of my remorse about it all. but i'll try to keep it under control.

sometimes, i get dramatic about stuff... but at the end of the day, all i really want to do is celebrate how great it is to love and be loved. it doesn't matter how, or in which form. just so long as you're there and you always will be. 

thank you for existing.