Wednesday, September 8, 2010

perfect is a skinned knee.

i hate this room. it doesn't matter how clean or dirty it is.. what posters may be on the wall, what song may be playing on my playlist. i fucking hate it. it's my retreat to drown in my sympathies and wish to be left alone. i wish the door would never open and no one would ever bother me. it's sick as fuck and i shouldn't want to be alone. but all the people i want to see aren't in favor of me or don't have the means or interest to see me, i'm disconnected. i used to have something to look forward to every weekend. now the days all blur together and it seems like there's hardly any point to any of this anymore.

depression is familiarity to me, and familiarity is comfort.

the comfort is killing me.

Monday, September 6, 2010

let's not shit ourselves (to love and be loved)

oh, i'm so ridiculous. 

sometimes, i spend more time out of the day instead of living in the now, over analyzing what has already happened. picking apart every phrase, motion, and word. looking underneath every rock. waiting and waiting and waiting for it all to make sense. errr... well, to come into my favor. 

that's not how this works.

it's a hard realization when you finally come to terms with the fact that just because you earn it doesn't mean it's yours. just because you deserve it doesn't mean you get it. and most of all, just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there. 

i've got a lot to learn. both in myself, and in those around me. 

words really, truly cannot describe how thankful i am that some people exist. i don't know if half (or any) of them actually read this, but i really don't know where i would be without you all. i love each and every one of you. i think that in itself is more than i could ever, ever ask for. i was foolish to ask for more, and even more foolish when, upon not receiving it, taking what i had for granted and at times going so far as to doubt its existence in the first place. i'm the kind of guy that doesn't consider just an apology to suffice when it's truly, honestly meant. so you haven't seen the last of my remorse about it all. but i'll try to keep it under control.

sometimes, i get dramatic about stuff... but at the end of the day, all i really want to do is celebrate how great it is to love and be loved. it doesn't matter how, or in which form. just so long as you're there and you always will be. 

thank you for existing.

Monday, August 9, 2010




We all have someone famous we look up to. Half the time, they're dead. When they're not, half the time you'll never get to see them in person. I got lucky, and I mean super lucky, to say that I saw Chris Cornell play with Soundgarden at Lollapalooza in 2010. Not only was it one of the best shows I have ever seen, but I was only about 20 feet from the stage. I waited about 5 hours in the summer sun against the fence with barely any water or any kind of food to get that spot. And man, was it worth it. I'm still in a state of disbelief that it all actually happened. All I know is that it was the best night of my life.

...oh yeah, and I shook his hand. 

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Down Is the New Up.

You always think you're good at something until you meet your match. Allow me to shed some light: I have a bit of an over confidence in how I can handle social situations, because I know exactly what mask I need to wear. What the words are I should say, and in what manner I should say them. For a good long while, I was unstoppable. But I have found my match. A gymnast to a wall he cannot climb; a wise man to a he riddle I cannot solve; a knight to a damsel he cannot save. I am disarmed, vulnerable, and totally fucking clueless. I've always told myself that all I needed was reassurement. I haven't figured out if I've been getting it this whole time, and this is just a giant test I need to pass, or if this is a game I shouldn't have ever started playing because I can never win. I'm not one for giving up, and I know I couldn't if I tried, I just don't want to get burned. Sometimes, it seems like things are brighter than ever before. Sometimes, it's too dark to see anything. 

I shall fly into the sun.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Summer: A Retrospective

This has definitely been the concert summer. I have seen Crash Kings twice, Silversun Pickups, Ben Folds, Cage the Elephant, Devo, Seether, Papa Roach, Halestorm, Drowning Pool, and plenty of others so far. And, this weekend, I will be attending Lollapalooza where I will see the newly reformed Soundgarden, Lady Gaga, Green Day and about 50 or so other kick-ass bands. Oh, this summer has been good to me. But, not much unlike all good things, it is coming to a close. Summer's fading into fall. It pain's me to say it, but it's true. I'm definitely content with its past events. I have made some great new friends, and gotten closer to a lot of other already good friends. We've had some late nights, and I'm sure we'll have more. Goooooddd fuckin' times. I just wish it could all end when we're damn well ready for it to be over and not a second sooner. I wonder how much crazy stuff I can muster into my schedule before autumn takes over the seasons...

Saturday, July 31, 2010

What Was So Simple in the Moonlight

"I've got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train.
If  you promise to stay conscious, I'll try and do the same
We might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain
What seems so normal in the evening by the morning seems insane."

The simple things. A connection, even if only for one night, is what we all seek. That indescribable moment when everything fits perfectly together and you have no thoughts of what will come next, only how great it is to be alive and living in this moment. I've heard somewhere that Heaven isn't a place you go when you die, it's the moment you truly encompass the feeling of living. The best buzz life can offer, and you don't even need a substance. You want it, and so do I. Let's quit dancing around the truth. Be my drug. I'm tired of trying to find a better high.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Don't Get Any Big Ideas

Oh, what I would give to pick you apart and see how exactly you tick. You always have been able to get the best of me. You're pretty fucked up, but that's what I like most about you. I just never could get enough of it, and I think I spread myself a little too thick from the get-go. I'd love to go back and do it all over again... you know, relive the golden years knowing then what I know now. I'd have you; I know it. I don't really care about "having" you, though. That's never been the point of this. I'm stupid for making it seem that way. I just wish you saw things the way I do. I want you to be closer than this. You don't, and that's probably my own fault. I don't know what's best for you, but I've always dedicated myself to being whatever it is you need, and I guess that's just a friend. I am here for you, however you want me.